It is nice, been so long since I felt like this.. I find each turn now I can smile a little easier. It is easier to find joy in each moment. The future finally looks bright again. For no other reason then time heals all.

I wish, I had someone to give me the advice I give others now... that if you truly love someone.. you will regret not waiting for them no matter the distance, or insurmountable mountain that may seem to be in your way, if you love them then they are worth the wait. Life lesson learned the hard way, seems the only way I learn anything is the hard way.

I find it ironic, that the very thing I was trying to avoid when I left where I grew up, has now engulfed my life.... Loneliness....And I have no one to blame but myself.

Sometimes I wonder... am I going to forget... forget what it was like when I was truly happy?..was I truly happy then? Or was I deceiving myself? Did it even happen? Or was it all a dream.. do I even know what loving someone is like truly... to be so unselfishly theirs that I care not for the world? Will I ever find that? Or am I as I fear, truly doomed to be always alone. The loneliness overwhelms me almost as much as it comforts me with it's familiarity. I have settled into solitude as one settles into a familiar and comfortable chair, yet occasionally I fidget and have to change at least what I look at. No taste at all now for running and fighting, unless absolutely necessary the desire to do so seaming to have so torn my life apart that I am still trying to find the pieces, some may be lost forever. Or perhaps they need to be reforged by the kindling of... of something I do not know if I am capable of any longer. I hope I am not beyond figuring out how to have somewhat of a normal life. I just wonder after all this, if I can even trust my own heart. And that... makes me sad. I no longer feel lost, I know who I am again and that is a comfort. I just fear that I might have pushed every opportunity to find love away too many times and that I might not find it again. But I also know that, is foolishness and I am not going to make the mistakes of my past, my fears are NO LONGER going to keep me from finding out where I belong.

I was away only one quarter cycle. And that time seemed to have helped me more then I actually thought it would. I feel... right again. And in truth the feeling is quite odd, I have been out of sorts for SO long now that this feeling like all is as it should be, is a foreign one for me, but a very welcome one. I'm no longer running, no longer hiding. The world no longer feels as if it has been turned upside down. The feeling almost makes me giddy.

It is amazing! While working to remove the broken glass the glass shifted and we could smell meat cooking! It seems Jaymes had enough supplies to keep himself alive, sheltering himself under his bar from the destruction. It makes me hopeful for the future. Yet it seems the time has come for me to head off as I had planned. Yet, I know, I shall return to this place because it is after all... Home.

Today will be another day of cleaning around the glass building, I do hope we can make some headway through the debris.. I do worry for those who had duties in this once beautiful place. Will we find the bodies of those who once worked here?... Will we be able to bury them? Will we be able to make sense of the mess and reduce the rubble? To be able to show, no matter the challenge, no matter the scars, we as a people will not be defined by our painful past.. but rather choose to rebuild, make something beautiful and new in memory of the past so it may be remembered what was lost.. and to remind those that what was fought for WAS worth it all. I find it baffling I can conjure so much hope for others, yet... none for myself. I leave later this turn on a trip.. to discover myself.. what I makes me run from myself and my own happiness.. I just hope I can recover who I want to be, and I fear going alone... yet it seems the only way.